It’s important to reflect and push to the deep meaning of things. Ask. Understand.
This life is a sailing offshore. You can stay idle and live it all without anything but the perception of apparent horizons. A fluid flow of days on days, waves on houres, people on situations.
But if only you had the courage to immerse yourself… To dip you deep. To swim seven leagues under the seas, where the sun doesn’t arrive but overwhelms the dense darkness that swallows the light and releases fear.
Through despair, terror, no air in the lungs, the pressure that crushes the brain, death on you. There, only there, you would discover yourself. You would find the strength and desire of pure survival, anger and determination. And the gills would spit on you, and the ability to cross the dark pain, and that death mound would stick to the skin like the slimy malt of fish -cause you would learn to live with death on you without fear, and you know what exists beyond suffering, beyond the nothingness: the depths of your soul.
The abysses that live in their own light, unknown and beautiful, solitary.
Wonders that shine your eyes. A knowledge that allows you to approach your life differently, you understand the meaning, perceive its weight, understand the direction. Continue Reading
One year ago we were leaving with our parents to Warsaw. It was our last trip. Who would have thought that a year later my sister and I would have had to go alone to solve problems of wills, houses and money at mom’s country, including distant relatives, other language, opposite life.
It was exciting to get back in the house where my grandparents and my mother have lived, where I spent so much time too. I didn’t think to remember so much of my childhood. We lack here for 8 years.
How much history mom kept at her home here. Hundreds of vinyls, endless books on subjects ranging from history to art to literature in different languages all readed (she knew Russian, Ukrainian, Italian, Polish, English, French), thousands of letters and photographs, tea’s services, clothing, university theses (she working as a translator, in cybernetics and as a university teacher of Russian literature).
We don’t know quite what to do with all this history that has collected and put together. We’d like to keep it all with us but would serve a lifetime to see everything. Unimaginable the amount of things.
How many memories in this house. It seems a distant life away. Continue Reading
Someone has stopped asking me how I feel.
It wasn’t a courtesy “how are you?”. It was a while that someone doesn’t care of it, and also I.
It’s something to whom I don’t think from a lot of time. A vacillation that I’ve shown the door, it’s a wind current that shakes the leaf just attached to the branch and that would be fatal. So I put a glass’s bubble to repair the lymph bond that pretends regardless the natural union between the trunk and stem.
But when it happens that the ball cracks slightly, it’s like a gash on a fabric, a Fontana who discovers the underlying structure. A light in the dark. A naked body. The bone to whom I didn’t arrive with the thought. I always stop a moment before.
To the question I could answer that I’m fine because that’s what I want and show; or that are in pieces because that is what I see when through some moments of lowering of defenses -the Fontana, the light in the dark, the body, the bone- it can be for the words of a song or loneliness or a memory. The moments when I see what’s underneath.
People don’t realize how good face to hear these questions and talk about it. Sometimes. Continue Reading
It’s my first bday without mom. Indeed it’s the third year that I spend the day of my birthday without seeing her (two years ago I was in London, last year in the house where I was living to work). Perhaps a nice way of life for me to get used to the idea that from this year I’ll not receive even more her wishes.
Anyway there is my sister to make up for all the love and attention that you might want in an important day like this. Continue Reading
How often we tend to judge without understanding. And to understand I don’t mean just understand lunge a situation before passing judgment, I mean understand the people.
I intend to understand the steel, before judging it cold.
You may not know that wood and steel have, in reality, the same internal temperature.
The same temperature.
Yet we perceive the cold steel to touch. The truth is that we feel the cold of our own body private of heat.
The steel has high thermal conductivity, which is why it absorbs quickly our heat, leaving us cold fingers.
Isn’t crazy the way everything changes direction?
We should feel the sense of guilt for having defined cold something that is actually in perfect temperature, but if annoyed -touched- it takes the heat of a hug. We who have touched him, not vice versa. Our fault.
In fact it is clear: these are our fingers to become cold and not the steel to heat up, so it should be intuitive that we who are become cold, and not steel.
But the human mind has a tendency to point the finger, before making any assessment of self-criticism.
The direct consequence is the expression of wrong judgments, the indirect result is the conditioning of thought of other third parties and the formulation of more hasty judgments. And to follow.
When will we learn honesty and transparency? Above all, the objective self-criticism. Continue Reading
These days are less present cause I’m doing cleaning in my life, in my house and in my head.
Letting go of old things is a catharsis of profound change.
Since mom’s gone, every day off becomes an opportunity to review all the things stored and delayed in many years.
Many memories. And how many laughs. My sister and I try to laugh, make fun of mom and her funny fixations. It’s an immersion in the past life, the most important and formative chapter of our lives and we are trying to make it as light and fun as possible. It’s never easy.
But we have to take life lightly and simply live it. Continue Reading
Carnival will always remain in the tradition of my life a day to celebrate. Because existence is contained in all these happy moments.
No excuse is too trivial that it can’t make otherwise ordinary day or so unconvincingly not to be celebrated. Carnival is just an excuse to forget ourselves under the clothes of someone else.
This year I chose Elsa.
Cause Frozen reminds me of an innocent time when I had a different belief on what would have been my life, and because I remember the evening at Disneyland when, illuminating the castle, sounded “Let it go“. Chills and memories. Too many memories.
And because this film is about what was my growing relationship with my sister, everyone I know have always identified us with Elsa and Anna. They are saved without the need for any prince. Each maturing in one’s love. It was exactly how we saved us, by the loss of mom. It’s ourselves, become a little orphan in the world and responsible for our lives, of our strong relationship.
I couldn’t be more proud of my sister, and of the spiritual maturity that she has shown me in these months, of the love which has filled our home in those weeks. Continue Reading
There are those nights when you realize, with the clarity of the midday sun, that you no longer have a -that it’s a- certainty.
That whole stream of life that you has inside is dried in the sun of disenchantment.
That you don’t remember what is the drawer of dreams, open them all and only white sheets.
That emotions were overflowed by the rupture of a dam built of many values and experiences and hardships, and in you persists only apathy, absolute emptiness, you are a vegetable that there, in front of yourself don’t understand what sense has all this -opened the eyes- and placed before the harsh life -injustice of built gestures- don’t understand how you managed to fall prey to this deception of the soul mechanism that twists and distorts the existence behind implicit laws educated.
That to live is a verb without the sense of a direct object. Certainty that “what purpose does it serve to breathe?” seems the unanswered question more insightful that has ever placed.
It’s like a charm that as long as you’ve got it nothing seems to bring you down, also a quarrel is soon overcome, also the winter heated, also boredom gratifyingly.
But it happens – and increasingly – that this veil falls, and are you naked in front of the bare life, only embarrassment, only disgust, only contempt, only embarrassment, only disgust, only contempt, only the desire to run away, raise the veil, throw dust of hope in the eyes, dream again. Continue Reading